do the hogwarts cafeteria tables have a restriction on who’s allowed to get coffee? i want to believe there’s safety measures in place to make sure ravenclaws don’t get a six cups a day habit before they hit puberty but this is a school that encourages its students to play high-speed flying murderball so
…that begs other really interesting, equally important questions, such as: what about dietary restrictions? What about food allergies? Do the house elves make sure that no kid gets exposed to something that’d kill them? Are all the sausages at a table with a kid who’s Jewish or Muslim made of beef (or lamb) instead of containing pork? Are there elves watching the tables, doing rapid-fire food substitutions to make sure none of the kids eats something that’ll make them sick or violate their cultural mores?
And what about the kids who need coffee, because they haven’t figured out yet that certain potions are a better substitute for what the caffeine does to help slow their mind down and give them back the ability to focus?
I need a fic on this now, and I’m pretty sure there are none, this is terrible
there’s a trend on tumblr to imagine all the personal accommodations the wizarding world might make for students, but hogwarts is a terrible place. it’s fucking terrible. i don’t know why so many people have forgotten this crucial element of the series.
like. the house elves are slaves, the potions teacher has free reign to traumatize preteens and was an active member of a terrorist organization in his youth, students receive tons of injuries from murderball as well as all the other crazy shit they’re allowed to do to each other, like there’s a dueling association!!, dumbledore locks an unmarked door with a gigantic man-eating dog with a spell an eleven year old can cast. because he invited magic hitler to teach self defense for a year. the stairs randomly change directions and there’s no ramps. a man with no teaching experience whatsoever got to procure a whole bunch of deadly monsters and force 13 year olds to pet them. and the ghost of a kid who was murdered by teenage magic hitler is trapped in a girl’s bathroom to cry forever because of this school’s almost entirely unresolved history of minority discrimination.
i think if anthony goldstein, the one single jewish kid unfortunate enough to go to wizard hell school, wanted to keep kosher he would have had to do it himself. i think if you need special accommodation at hogwarts you can just basically go fuck yourself. i think if you want anyone to respect your cultural traditions at hogwarts you can probably double go fuck yourself. hogwarts is a place where generations of witches and wizards have lived and learned and grown up. it’s also a place where a whole lot of kids have died.
Further to this post, it now occurs to me that a lot of Hogwarts’ problems ultimately stem from the fact that Dumbledore recruits teachers the way a supervillain recruits minions.
Which is, what, through personal charisma and by calling in favors?
It occurs to me that Dumbledore could have looked further afield for the DADA position. It also occurs to me that the curse could be negated by specifying that the employment contract be for one year only.
Basically, Dumbledore looks for two traits in a prospective teacher:
Emotional vulnerabilities that make it easier for him to manipulate them; and
Talents that make them useful as weapons against his enemies
… in exactly that order. Actually being good at teaching is a distant third.
(McGonnagall’s an interesting case, as she’s probably the only one with enough self-awareness to realise that she’s being manipulated – but then, Dumbledore knows that she knows what he’s up to, and all of their interactions basically devolve into a high-tension game of “I know that you know that I know that etc.” Which is a totally conventional way for a supervillain to relate to his second-in-command, really.)
Everything I’ve heard about the Cursed Child is so extra, so over the top glorious I only have one thing to say.
I love you JKR. You do your thing.
I know it must be a bit of a power rush, holding so many people’s happiness in your hands. I know the pressure to turn out a good extension of the Potter legacy is immense.
I know your life has taken a lot of turns since you first dreamed up the Harry Potter universe, did you ever imagine it would come to this?
I know there have been a lot of rumours about you, a lot of backlash. Even from the start. You’re always going to offend people. You’re just one woman. You can’t be perfect.
But I support you all the way.
You run this franchise into the ground and gloat over the ashes and I will scream in adulation. You deserve it. Harry Potter has catapulted you into fame and I totally understand your need to prove your power over it.
I don’t care what fresh hell you have come up for us (because regardless of quality it will be a hell, just maybe a fun one), it’s worth it.
JKR, you glorious british delight! You red haired temptress, you muse of millions!
Give Harry a pension and a job as an accountant. Let Voldemort take over! MAKE LUNA LOVEGOOD DENOUNCE THE QUIBBLER! TEAR EVERYTHING DOWN, I APPLAUD YOU!
JOANNE KATHLEEN ROWLING! YOU ARE AWAITED IN VALHALLA! GO OUT LIKE THE SHINING STAR YOU ARE! MAKE THEM SUFFER FOR ALL THE SUFFERING THEY REIGNED DOWN ON YOU!
KEEP WRITING!
I personally cannot wait for Harry Potter and the Cursed Child: Redux, where Teddy Lupin and Victoire Weasley go into space while Rose travels back in time to seduce a young Lord Voldemort.
Was lucky enough to see this amazing family cosplay in person (no joke: that is the happiest, chillest baby I have ever met, with parents to match), and hands-down the best part was seeing everyone’s horrified reactions when seemingly-plainclothes-dressed mom got into position.
A Middleground 